As Indian men are known for a great helper to a wife, mother, girlfriend, sister. As we prefer to call it as a men cook. To be honest we would love to cook different dishes and that’s not enough. After cooking we’d love to clean kitchen. Removing dirt from dishes is the favorite part Indian men like after cooking.
(Request to repeat these steps to all my brother Bhakts, who shouts Swatch Bharat in India -Bhakt No.1)
First Paragraph Of This Article Strongle Written To Give A Voice To Male Perspective In Blogging World. Don’t Try To Compare This With Your Husband, boyfriend, Son or Brother. There Might Be Some Assholes living In Indian. We Can’t Denie That. And A Hope That My Mom or Future Wife Will Never Read This Post.
So with my view on a male cook, I approached to mom.
I: Mom, I would like to cook dinner today.
Mom: What??(her eyes were popping out of her head like she wasn’t looking at me, she is looking at some sort of Gorilla)
i: (with no idea real meaning of what) Mom, I’m going to cook your favorite green fresh gourd Vegetable, papa’s favorite, papa’s favorite bottle gourd and my favorite lid of bottle. (of course my mom didn’t understand my joke bottle-nib, did you??) with butter chapati, salad, butter milk exactly same as we eat at your favorite restaurant.(don’t ask me why we eat gourd in restaurant. We’ve differently choice of food than rest of the world, that’s true.Ask Amithbh Bachan. Khusbu Gujarat ki..haay obviously after eating khaman dhoklaz, farsan, fafda, chakri,…)
Mom: You’ve never ever turned on burner in your whole age of 20 years. And do you want me to believe that you’re going to help me..sorry you’re solely going to cook all by yourself. Kishan either I am a fool. Or you’re like your father..who only talks big and when it time comes to do something. He always chickens out. So in other case I’m a fool too.(come on, why all moms always complains about dad to their child, like they’re some sort of psychiatric)
I: Mom don’t lie in front of god Shreenathji. (i went to to touch feet of idol of Hindu god). God, you’re my witness. See, my mom doesn’t know she is lying so please forgive her.(I am sure my god shreenathji has big heart, amen) I’m a great cook mom. Do you remember, when you gone out on 4 dham jatra(amarnath, kedarnath, badrinath, somnath -question of gk on IAS, get the seventh pay commission all buddies) I cooked Patanjali Noodles all days. In fact I’m a great professional Patanjali Noodles cook now. Mam, look at that award cabinet, Best Patanjali Noodles Cook 2016, Best Stirrer Of Patanjali Noodles 2016, Best Patanjali Noodles Packet Opener 2016, Best Patanjali of 2016 (only last one isn’t made up, I swear to Patanjali)
(i don’t know what changed my mom’s heart. it maybe my real patanjali awards and she did let me in her holy area, kitchen by telling holy words. )
Mom: i know, Kishan, You’re going to destroy my kitchen. if there’s a fire in a kitchen and you got hurt Don’t ever call 108 first. Just call 102 and save my kitchen. (and she hurried out of the kitchen. I don’t know why women don’t trust men. Like men always betraye them. women..(gasp)..even gods failed to understand them, we’re mere human)
(i entered in mom’s holy ground, Kitchen)
I took a deep breathe. That’s what cooking feels like. Yay, guys, we’re going to make history today. To all the women, who feels that men can’t cook this is your chance to prove them wrong. I know, cooking is not an easy task. It needs just as precision as to select best place to watch our favorite team, that they god damn win the game by our lucky spot. The couch. So guys move your ass together all the ingredients, spoons, whatever is needed for cooking. And mark history on mankind. Prove to women that Mards’re equal in cooking as women. Be a Mard.
That’s when I realize there’s nobody around me. Ok, Kishan. Go for it. You can do it.
I gathered all gourds in one plate. To chop them, I tried to find find kninfe but I can’t. (my mother needs HOW TO ORGANIZE your kitchen lesson, how can she be so careless. It’s true that I’m entering in kitchen after months, but right things always be put on right place. I made a mental note
There is a fork. This would work better to chop gourd yes. Remember in my last How To Prepare Patanjali Food Seminar , I’ve addressed all the people. Eating Noodles with a fork is a best way. And I also said that, cooking and eating are two sides of coind. Either you cook or either you eat. But I bought two sides coin with same side on EBay..so that thing doesn’t apply to me.
I picked up fork like I’m going to kill the gourd.
The Gourd, say your last wish. This is your last moment. Sputter out your last wish. Because I’m going to chop you in pieces with Fork, then I’ll put your pieceson a gas. I’m going to burn you with 25 ml oil, then I’ll add salt, chilli and MDH Masala(asli masale sach sach..mdh mdh) our your grave. and after 2 minutes I’m going to eat you with my fork again. Haahhhahhhaahhahha.
(i was sure that gourd was nervous. why don’t he, this is his last day of life.)
Then I throw my fork at gourd(like in movies, when you throw knife at something, it cuts it to half) but this gaurd was intelligent. He threw back fork at me by telling Newton’s Third Law Of Motion
The Gourd must be fun of Shakti Kapoor. Aoo Lalita For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction
Nd he threw back that fork at me with exact velocity of 52kmph, same as i threw. If I don’t catch thay knife I’m going to be dead. I preyed to god. My eyes focused only on fork and I opend my hands like Alligator’s mouth and I caught the fork.
aaoo Shakti..only demon has a last laugh. hahahaha
in my winning excitement, I carried 3-4 more forks and started juggling. unfortunately, i lost control and one fork cut on my thumb. Before I realize all the forks get throw all around the kitchen.
One fork on plastic bag of pickles and last one cut pipe line of LPG gas. I screamed in horror.
Mom: mom came in kitchen with running at exact same speed of 52 kmph. I noted. Why did you call me Radhe Maa. (she sniffed in kitchen with her doggy nose) And she immediately understood gas leak. Go close the valve.
I: (i was trembling and i want to speak but it’s queer that..our talkative Kishan can’t find a word but I gathered all my courage and spoke) What???? (exact reply when I told my mom about I’m going to cook, now I understood. Why)
mom moved quickly. She turned of burner, electricity and opened all the doors and windows in this busy schedule didn’t forget to curse me…I told you so, now stay from my kitchen. She created Lakshman Rekha with n Reakha Chawk 15 feet away from kitchen.
This all happened because of that stupid gourd. Go to hell, gourd. I hate you. You yaste disgusting. All vegetables hate your smell. And you know worst part..why do your exist in this world yet. Go suicide. Don’t ever let me see your face.
Now ladies, I assume. You have read this post. If you haven’t and only scrolled down to like this post. Thanks a lot. That means a lot to me. If you’ve really read, then , now, you would understand never pursue , your husband, son, brother or boyfriend to cook food with bitter food. That’s not good for your health.
Now to some rational hypocrites, skeptics who believe this story is made up in Kishan Thakar’s mind. I’ve some proof. And again who doesn’t believe that too, God Shreenathji is watching all this. Please forgive them for their lies.